Sally Sunshine, give it a rest.

Nope ladies, the reason why many good women can't seem to find and keep a decent man is not because they "don't know how to let a man be a man." It has nothing to do with your looks or race. It has nothing to do with you as far as an individual deficiency. Maybe a misunderstanding, but not an inherent flaw within you as a woman, so please get that out of your mind. 


For some of us ladies, we're too limited in our options when it comes to what is a viable, dateable man. But that is still not the main reason why many good women have trouble staying in a strong relationship.

Sally Sunshine Syndrome

The real reason why many good black women and women in general have a hard time getting and keeping a decent guy is that we’re simply too eager to please.

We’re constantly walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around men to seem perfect, nice, calm and sweet. We think that’s what they want from us. For us black ladies, we sometimes try to go out of our way to put nasty stereotypes to rest.

Meanwhile the guys are getting turned off a little more each day by this behavior.

A man might say out of his mouth that he wants all of that sweetness and thoughtfulness in a woman but he doesn’t. It’s a lie that some men tell to get what they want as quickly as possible.

I’ve had two ex-boyfriends admit this fact to me after we broke up. One told me that he had wanted me to fight with him more, throw things in the apartment or something. Yes he actually said that. He actually wanted me to break his things! Another told me that he wished I didn't let him get away with so much during our relationship and that it turns him on when I get an attitude with him, even if I throw insults at him.

Basically, these guys wanted me to bring drama into their lives. Despite their seemingly backwards thinking, they were two decent eligible bachelors with many positive attributes.

I have realized that many men are emotionally damaged or drama seekers. They want a thrill. That is why a boring good girl will never really tickle their fancy.

Ironically both of these men wanted me back after we broke up, but it was well after I lost my attraction to them. Does any of this stuff sound familiar to you?

Men Want a Challenge

My friends and I were having a light-hearted discussion along these lines with a young male bartender and he let this gem slip: "Men like a challenge. Once the challenge is over and he knows he’s got you, he’s onto the next challenge."

So the bartender basically affirmed my theory. 


And let's admit it ladies, sometimes we do the same thing. If a guy is too "nice" or "sweet" we start to wonder about him and start looking for an exit strategy, right?


When you play that role of Sally Sunshine (as the naturally good woman that you are) and go out of your way to please a man you are no longer a challenge to that man. He'll likely move on at some point, become disinterested or start acting like a jackass to get you to leave him alone.

The Bad Boys

Now let’s add to this math that many good women tend to gravitate to bad boys, a-holes and narcissists.

One guy that I dated stands out for me. He generally had bad attitude but he treated me well when we started dating. I decided to go out of my way to show how how much I appreciated how he was treating me.

Wrong move.

I offered to pay for some dates to relieve him of some money pressures. I told him he didn’t have to spend too much money on me when we went out. When he said something I didn’t like, I kept my mouth shut so as to not be argumentative. I would cook him meals early on in the relationship. If he broke a date at the last possible minute, I let it slide and said “hey, no big deal.”

Soon after he started to pull away and I just didn’t get why. The truth was that I was playing that Sally Sunshine role too much and was no longer a challenge to him. The relationship was too easy for him. Then suddenly he started to let his true bad boy nature out in an attempt to get me to leave him alone. He turned into a real a-hole and I was left confused.

Not any longer though. I know exactly what happened. Firstly, I wasn't being authentically ME. I usually speak my mind, but I decided in this particular case that I would play the “role” of a nice sweet girlfriend who was supportive and completely understanding. I was also showing some insecurities and I was too eager to please. Again, wrong move.

Instead of catering to him even when it was an inconvenience for me I should have spoken up and taken control over the situation. That is what most men want but they will never admit it out of their mouths. 

Why do you think you see so many hen-pecked men with harpie girlfriends or wives and wonder “why does he put up with it?” 


I’m not saying that you should be a harpie, but take notes from the harpie girl if you want to stop getting stepped on in relationships. They are more in touch with what men want than nice women are.

Again, this same guy I mentioned wanted to get back together after we broke up. I guess they see after a while that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, you know with the bitchy problematic chick who brings drama, and they miss being catered to. But as for me, once the attraction is gone it’s gone — and Sally Sunshine has left the building.

Making it Right

So I have a very simple solution for good women who are experiencing these issues finding and keeping a decent man who you like.

Number one, cool it on the really bad boys. Don’t waste your time running after thugs, drug dealers, a-holes or men who just generally like to do bad things all the time. It’s a dead end relationship and to be perfectly honest, they don’t deserve a good woman like you. We ladies like a guy with a little bit of an “edge” or “spice” but there has to be limitations.

Secondly and most importantly, stop going out of your way to please men. Stop feeling as if you have to show a guy how “good” you are. That's a recipe for disaster. They don’t care how good you are, and in fact many of them want a girl who’s a little (or a lot) bad instead. Be yourself, speak your mind, disagree when it’s warranted, don’t always be available (too easy) and tell him the truth about how you feel when he does something that you don’t like.

Do this, good woman, with the next guy you date. Then come back and tell me how it worked out. Having seen it with my own two eyes and gotten affirmation from the horse’s mouth (men), I now back this theory 100% and it has been working for me

I'll repeat this one more time: most men don't really like nice girls. Yes, they'll probably date you for a while and get what they want but in most cases they'll leave you once they've had their fill. Do not blindly or desperately cater to men, ever.



- submitted by Guest Blogger Tracee Simpson